Much is said about the need to forgive, but what exactly does that mean?
No more and no less than dealing with emotional pain. Resentments, sorrows, whatever you prefer to call them!
When we are emotionally hurt, the source of that pain is marked, and in the case of it being a person or - more specifically - the person who shares our life with us, we are left in an emotional situation that is very difficult to overcome.
Difficult, because this pain is a prison. On the one hand it can lead us to do things we don't want to do, on the other it can block us and prevent us from living a normal, peaceful day-to-day life.
Although we may be the target of bad attitudes from others, resentments may or may not arise, depending on the emotional "defenses" that may be born or acquired. Maturity as well as life experience make a difference. It depends from person to person. Can we then digress whether the pain does not originate within ourselves? I think so.
This maturity is what makes all the difference in defending emotional pain. Understanding the situation, knowing the person, understanding the intention, can remove the weight of a gesture, which for another person could mean being hurt.
Forgiving is not a decision, and that is why it is so difficult to free ourselves from pain. Forgiveness is a goal, it's a line we pass and where we realize that "it doesn't hurt anymore", "it doesn't matter anymore", "it's over".
If two emotionally immature people get into a fight of words, the probability of causing mutual hurt is very high!
And if we are talking about pain, even emotional pain, we need a cure! And like all healing processes... there are tears and pills. Tears are recommended, pills are best avoided.
Can you recognize if you have any resentment towards your spouse? If so, it's a good idea to deal with it, as resentments take away peace and block our desire to dedicate ourselves to others. and it is like a slow poison that kills Love. Healing these wounds in the relationship is the sole responsibility of yourself and not the other person.
How do we speed up healing (i.e. end resentment)?
The easiest thing is to understand the intention of those who hurt, if we know that person and we know/trust that there was no intention to hurt, we are on the right track. We can also accept that life incompatibilities lead to difficult decisions that can hurt those who don't want to be hurt and even those who like them.
Time heals too. And accept that everyone (us included) has flaws. Seeking help (friends, psychologist) can also speed up forgiveness.
The worst resentments to heal are those that were made to us with intention. Words, gestures, absence of words, absence of gestures, giving more space, giving no space at all. Also heavy will be the absence of remorse, the absence of an apology. Realizing that a person is toxic and will try to hurt us more often, removing that person from our lives is the solution. It is in this situation that the word "forgive" is not appropriate. "Forgive" does not apply. It's just solving a problem.
"Forgive" only applies when it is important to maintain the relationship (be it a couple, friendship, parents/children, etc...). When we decide to cut someone out of our lives, pain turns into strength.
Choosing our own happiness can also be a source of hurt for someone else. This is a delicate situation, and it is a good example that emotional maturity can protect us. We shouldn't be hurt, because we shouldn't jeopardize anyone's happiness either. Each person is only responsible for their own.
After healing, we can look back, introspect and learn something more about ourselves. Whether we will grow or not, we will only know if it happens again and the pain appears again... or not!
We cannot forget the other side of the story... and when we are the ones who hurt someone? Can we understand the pain we cause? The hurt that was born? Will we think we didn't say anything bad, and that reaction is an exaggeration?! We are too quick to ignore our own flaws, we know our intentions are the best. But, we judge other people's gestures as if they were on purpose. In a future article I will write about this.
(photo by pixabay)